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Motherhood

January 18, 2017
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Ok, so I’m a bit obsessed with my kid. I told myself that I wouldn’t be one of those parents who posts a million pictures of their kids all over my social media accounts, but I totally am and I can’t help it. The greatest part about these pictures of Bennett are that they aren’t staged. He’s 20 months old and does what he wants when we take these pictures. He’s not old enough for me to tell him to smile or even pose a certain way, so every image of him is completely natural (minus our matching duds). Apparently I feel the need to share these with the rest of the world but completely understand if you find me annoying. I mean.. did you see the picture of him running through the bubbles and then the expression on his face when it popped?! His expressions are so candid and innocent that I just want to bottle up every second I get to spend with him.

I have always wanted children my entire life. I have always seen myself as a mom and have always been intrigued by the idea of pregnancy and how we get to create a human being inside of us (its frickin insane!!) When I turned 30, I wasn’t so sure I wanted to have kids anymore. I was finally at a place in my life where I felt somewhat comfortable with money, loved to travel and most of all, take naps whenever I felt like it. Not having any responsibility for anyone else but myself (and my labrador retriever) felt good. I started to understand why some people choose not to have kids. A year or so went by and I started to think about having children again. After one not so careful night, my husband and I thought I had gotten pregnant. My period was a day or two late (I have ALWAYS been on time) and I was gagging at random smells that I could normally tolerate. I was 90% sure that I was pregnant. Two weeks went by and I was finally able to take a pregnancy test. I took it and it was negative. About 45 minutes after I took that test,  I got my period.

All of the sudden I was completely disappointed that I wasn’t pregnant. I then became determined to get pregnant and really wanted a baby.  My husband and  I started trying for the next four months and nothing was happening. The moment you decide to “start trying” is a weird thing. When you are trying to prevent something for so long and then all of the sudden throw all of that aside, its very strange.  What’s also strange is that you think that the first time you open the flood gates,  you are going to get pregnant and then you do and you don’t. After four months of trying (which felt like eternity by the way) I told my husband I didn’t want to try anymore. I told him I was ok if it was just the two of us for the rest of our lives and I meant that at the time.  I actually told him this right before we ran the Lululemon Half Marathon in Vancouver.   I remember hoping all summer that I would be pregnant when we ran it and how cool that would be to tell our child one day.  About a week and half later I found out I was pregnant (On Labor Day). It turns out I was technically pregnant during our half marathon and didn’t even know it. When I took the test, I started crying and called my husband at work. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy, but I was also scared shitless. I couldn’t believe that I was actually pregnant. I have NO idea how people try to get pregnant for years and years. After only trying for four measly months, I couldn’t fathom trying for much longer. It is so stressful and really does feel like forever when every month you try, take a test that says negative and then you have to wait again until the next month to try again.

Nobody can prepare you for how much love you are going to feel for your child when they are born. It is indescribable and frightening at the same time. Its not so much that its frightening because you don’t know what the hell you are doing, but because you want to protect that child from everything in this world. I get scared thinking about the day that someone is mean to Bennett or someone even breaks his heart. I never thought that I would fear those moments so much as I do now as his mom. Having a child is seriously the best thing I have ever done in this lifetime and I am okay with that. The best part is that when I die, I will be leaving behind this little piece of me on this Earth and life will go on and on. I just have to remind myself sometimes that life is short. I want to enjoy every moment and not take a single minute for granted with the ones I love. Its not always easy to remember this, but I’m working on it. Thanks so much for reading,

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